A few minutes ago, I sent my mother a cup of hot water for her daily herbal concoction. There’s nothing really special about that. A cup of hot water. But it reminded me of you. It reminded me of all those nights I made us a cup of tea. Just the two of us. We’d talk about everything and laugh at the horrible jokes me made. We created our own safe bubble and thrived within it.
I remember how jealous she felt when the cup always arrived for only you. I know it showed a certain level of favouritism but I didn’t mind. You made me feel special. You listened to me and celebrated my wins in ways that actually made me feel like winning some more. You taught me to dream. Disappointed me each time, but you taught me to want things. And now that I’ve won a few times, you’re not here to gas me up. You’re not here to tell the whole world how proud you are because I know you would have been.
You’re not here anymore and it sucks. I know it’s for the best. I know we are in a much better place now. But sometimes I wish you’d come back just to celebrate with me. Just to cheer me on. I really need that right now. But I know better. I get it. Everything happens for a reason. You weren’t the best person when you were here. I know. I remember.
So why does it still hurt?
Why do I picture you walking down these halls and getting on my nerves? Why do I imagine you laughing with me and getting my jokes? Why do I feel betrayed/disappointed when it’s always someone else?
I know better… so why can’t I make peace with your absence?