Anytime I am asked this, I just go blank. I have no idea what my guilty pleasure is. But, I know that there are some things that when I think about, I feel guilty (bad) about them. I don’t know if that’s exactly what guilty pleasure is, but work with me, okay?
When I hit my twenties, I noticed that a lot of people I knew were talking about getting right with Christ. They were going on about how they were in the world but now they had been saved. They had seen it all and still chose Jesus. I was jealous.
I never had the courage to walk away from him and return. It was never an option for me. I’d experienced too much to even consider lying to myself about an alternate route. I have strayed lots of times. Sometimes, I pretended to not hear the promptings of the Holy Spirit. But I could never fully walk away.
It probably sounds a bit pompous or weird reading this. I feel weird typing it myself. However, every time I thought these things, I realized that it’s not that I didn’t have the courage to stay away, I just couldn’t lie to myself that I didn’t know better. Not with my faith anyway.
There’s something I always use as an example. Not because it is super amazing, but because it meant a lot to me at the time and showed me that God comes through for you if you believe. Sometimes, even when you don’t.
I was in junior high when I decided that I wanted to be hairy. I wanted to have hair on my legs and arms and those dark spots on the wrists that hair grows from because I thought all those things were pretty (I still do). When I told my mother about it, she laughed. But she also said, “If it really means that much to you, pray about it.” So I did. I wasn’t sure what to expect but I figured it was worth a shot.
I don’t know how long it took, but one day I looked at my hands and I had hair spots. I also have hair on my legs. As a bonus, I have some curly hairs on my chest and stomach. I was so excited. Sometimes I think the chest hair is a bit much though.
I am still not super hairy. I don’t have to shave my legs to get that smooth, shiny look. I have the perfect amount of body hair in my opinion.
This is such an airy testimony without the fireworks and heavy miracles, but the hairs on my legs and the dark spots on my wrists are a constant reminder of the fact that my God likes to hear whatever it is on my mind. If it’s bothering me, even if it is irrelevant, he wants to hear it. He wants to me to tell him everything.
So no matter how often I stray or how much I feel guilty about the things I do/have done, I remember that he chose me even after knowing everything I’d done and will do. I remember that he loves me not in spite of who I am, but because of it all. I remember that I can talk to him and tell him about it all. And when I remember all these, I go back. I sit and talk to him at two am with my ‘logic’ voice because I am trying to explain myself with the lawyer in me. However, by three am, I’d have lost my tough girl façade and just tell him I’m sorry.
Through it all, the denial, the self-loathing, the repentance, the change of heart… everything, he stays by my side. Patiently, no questions asked.
He’s the only person in my life who’s been there from the beginning. He knows me more than I know myself. And yet, he doesn’t use it against me. Ever.
I have no idea why people walk away from God, or refuse to walk to him. In all honesty, it’s none of my business nor am I in any position to judge them.
This is my story. And that’s just all it is. Mine.
Dr Nyameba 💜