There are days, much like today, where I find myself constantly thinking about what will happen that I can’t seem to appreciate what is happening. It is only in moments like these, long after the day has ended and the world is quiet, that I am able to appreciate the beauty of the just-ended day and all its delightful moments. By then, it is nothing but a memory. A moment lost.
This year started off on a much interesting note. I was homeless, jobless, and anxious about an impending question I needed to answer. I was so full of all these things that it was difficult to appreciate what a lovely thing was going on. A new year!
The rest of the year I spent waiting. Waiting for something, someone, an event, a change, more of something, less of something else… and I thought that I needed this thing, whatever it was in that moment, to be happy. More money, a house, a car, a good job with amazing benefits, a holiday abroad (or anywhere for that matter), a man, a dog, an elaborate wardrobe, a certain type of friend (or friends) … something.
The weird thing is, I am happy. Right in this moment, my belly filled with a meal I thoroughly enjoyed eating, washed down with a mug of wine I loved more than I’d anticipated, my fingers across a keypad on a laptop I don’t totally despise in a room with mopped floors and decent ventilation. I am content. No noise – not even the usual background music- unless you count the whirring of the fan. But I’ll allow it.
It is peaceful.
This year has been a lot of things. There were moments, weeks even, when I thought I had reached my limit. I thought I could not go on. The pain or stress, sometimes both, was just too much. Yet somehow, I went on. Somehow, I didn’t lose it. Thank God for that.
I also made a few not-so-rational decisions which I am not very proud of them. Some, I am still learning to unmake. I looked at myself a few times and wondered if I was losing it. I think I did. A little. Okay, a lot. But in my defence, it makes for a great story. At least that is what I tell myself to sleep well at night. I guess we will find out one day. When I am not too shy to share it.
I learned a little this year. A little about working. A little about not working. A little about falling face-down in love. A little about shaking off the embarrassment of a nasty fall. A little about food bellies that sneak up on you and make you feel unsexy. A little about self-control and portion control. A smidge about dating and the nuances of not knowing what exactly means what. A little about office banter and toxic work environments. A little about rewriting dreams.
A million little things. A million little miracles too.
I thank God for this year. It isn’t quite like anything I have experienced, yet it looks like a culmination of a lot of [my] experiences.
I am not quite sure if I enjoyed it. I am also not sure I would redo it if I ever had the chance. But for what it’s worth… I thank God I lived through it and came out on the other side.
Here’s to next year!
I am hesitantly looking forward it.
Nana Agyeiwaa Nyameba